27/05/2026:

I really did try. I found my way around the blocking and no contact to talk for just a bit. she wasn't happy at all. She was angry even. This is what I said today.



"Well [REDACTED] I think I’m done, and I mean done done, you talked about trying to keep a door open but I’m making the choice for you. I can’t keep doing this to myself I have gotten to the point where I am damn near on the brink of psychosis, maybe already am in psychosis. I have had recurring dreams and nightmares of you almost every single day to the point I just outright avoid sleeping and the only time I’m not seeing visions of you out of the corner of my eye is when I’m so drunk I can barely function.



So I’m calling it here, I tried months back when I was on shift work but you seem to have forgotten that. Be mad be upset, at this point it’s not worth me worrying about that when this is now affecting my health so badly. Sure I have no right to any of this, however, I’m also a person with emotions and feelings and you know exactly what drives my brain to the brink of self destruction and yet here we are.



So for the safety of myself I’m going, you can say whatever you’d like at this point but I more than likely won’t read it. I’m separating myself from this whole deal so I can either kill myself in peace or at least live the rest of my life with a little peace.

and because i am a horrible person, the last song i will ever send you.



Goodbye [REDACTED]"



The song was "Call it easy (edit)" by racing Mount Pleasant. I don't think it fully captures my emotions. However, that's not the point anymore.



I am doing this so I can move on with my life and stop being haunted by visions of her that are worse to me than she ever was. I doubt I ever will be, but such is the curse I have for loving people.



Her finger prints will be burned on my skin for the rest of my life.



I will try to remember the happiness we shared and nothing more.





15/05/26:

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Why do I have to still love you? why do I have to torment myself with these feelings I can't control. every time I want to hate you, I can't bring my self to. I am coming up with every vile thought and excuse to fuel hate to fuel my disgust with you.



It just isn't fucking working. I have called, text, I have fucking emailed. and it is like screaming it to the void.



I am going insane.



Every god damn action is infected by the memories of you. I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't even fucking shower without thinking about you. I am so overwhelmed by the emotions by all my thoughts and feelings that I just want to explode.



I am going insane. I will take all of this to my grave. I will become a bitter old man because of this, I feel all the anger and hardness seeping into my mind again. The very things you wore away to bring out my kindness and my softness. Fuck that.



I let too much go for too long.



I am going insane.



10/05/26 07:36:

I remember the first time we spent time together in person.



It was like being lit on fire, like I had been doused in napalm. Sticky complex emotions and hormones attaching themselves to my soul and burning so hot my eyes water thinking about it to this day.



I didn’t even kiss her first. She kissed me first. We got to my AirBnB and up to that point it had been a hug and some staring.



She grabbed my collar and kissed me while I was still talking, I don’t even remember what I was saying.



When I was on the drive up to visit she told me “It will be platonic, we don’t even know if there will be chemistry so don’t try anything” (paraphrasing here, she was less nice about it) and I planned to stick to that, I guess she didn’t or knew she didn’t want to. I never asked.



It was brief but I still remember the feeling of that kiss. I burned that shirt.



10/05/26:

I had reserved this day for other thoughts but some new feelings arose



There is good in the world, sometimes I forget it and need reminding. I am thankful for the few strangers who have taken it upon themselves to remind me.



It'll get easier, I demand it.



09/05/26:

I used to wear face coverings a lot for work, I miss that. I cant put my finger on why it felt better to have a mask on than my real face



Some say its the protection of being unknowable, I think I just enjoyed not needing to be presentable. I think my best feature is my eyes anyway



The eyes tell you a lot about a person, I hope in all my endeavors that when I had my mask on and was holding a gun



I at least had kind eyes



08/05/26:

I miss her on days like today and she doesn't even know it. If she does. she doesn't care.



one day at at time.



07/05/26:

Made it home to WA. Happy to be home. One of those "I have misjudged the length of a hometown visit" trips. I also forgot my meds so I was all over the place



Here's hoping the next few days are a little better on my brain and mental state



I impulse bought a switch 2 so maybe the high of that will keep me up for a few days at least



04/05/26:

"Animals live in a constant state of religious ecstasy."

03/05/26:

I struggle with my purpose a lot lately, I've transitioned into a new chapter in life and recently someone I cared about deeply left and has went no contact



Am I such a social creature that my purpose falls apart when I am alone?



Am I doomed to an eternity of feeling the fingerprints of the people of my past?



Am I to scream names of people who no longer want to hear them?



who fucking knows